How strange it is to be anything at all...

But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see

It has been raining here for a few days now. Rain does something to me, at first I am so unpleased and grumpy because if it was to me, we'd have sunshine 24/7 (yes, at night too) but then I get out there and feel the rain and suddenly I am so glad it rains!
It's a very special mood I get in when I walk through the rain (to work, the train station, the grocery store, doesn't matter where I'm walking) I wouldn't call it melancholia but it's something close to that but with a more positive vibe. Is there a word for that? 

I start thinking about my Papa a lot and how we would go for walks in the rain but it's not the usual sadness that comes with it whenever I think of him, but pure love. This sounds sappy but I swear it isn't. Rain reminds me of how much love we must have had for another if I can still feel him with me every day of my life.

During our walks we would either talk for 3 hours straight or hardly say anything at all, and to be honest, I never felt closer to him than during our time of shared silence. 
As a child I had extreme fear of loss including panic attacks because my parents got divorced so very early. Being with him made me feel at ease, I was free to think without being scared constantly, free to just be and exist in the moment.

Lately I've worried about not enjoying the time I had with him, but whenever I am walking through the rain, I realize that I did. We both weren't talking a lot about it or showed our affection all of the time. We didn't need to. 
To know he was walking besides me in the rain, and to feel that he still does is all I ever needed. 


Sometimes talking about how I am dealing with the loss of my father migth seem like oversharing, but when I was going through this, I didn't know anyone who could actually help me. As much as I appreciated the love and care I got from everyone around me, all I wanted was someone to tell me "I've been there, I know you feel like the world should have stopped and to know it didn't makes you feel angry and alone but believe me, you will heal. Not completely, of course not, but a little. Every day the tiniest bit until one day when you touch the wound it won't burn anymore, just sting a little."
So I write this in case anyone needs to hear it.


  1. sehr hübsches foto von dir ♥


  2. What a beautiful post, Lisa. I personally don't see this post as oversharing at all, your blog is your little corner of the internet and you can post what ever you like. Also, what a gorgeous photo!

    1. I know you are right, I just feel like apologizing when I don't talk about fluffy happiness stuff, I don't know why.
      Aw thank you so much!

  3. this is so moving... thank you for putting it out there...

  4. Schöne, sehr intime Gedanken, die du mit uns teilst. Danke dafür.